Crushed

The following may or may not be a work of fiction. Reader discretion is advised.

My first crush was a girl in my class, during my 11th standard. I had just changed my school from a boys-only to co-ed. There were a mere 10 girls out of a class of around 60 students. No wonder the skewed sex ratio acts as a deterrent for female education. I felt as if I was in love. I guess it was nothing more than initial attraction.

My way of trying to please her, was to solve some computer programmes and give her print-outs of the same. Yeah, pretty lame when you look back at it. Initially it was going fine, but then I stupidly took a picture of her during a tuition class. It was the era of the early camera mobile phones. Of course the news spread that I was ‘Line-marooing’ the girl, and she stopped talking to me hence. Post which I discovered a new emotion-Jealousy. Particularly when she spoke to other guys, and ignored me. It felt like hell at that time. Little did I know that this problem would strike at me again and again and again, to this day.

Entire class 12 was worse than hell. Not to add to the fact that I screwed up all my competitive exams. Enough said.
There was another girl I liked at school, though she was not in my section. We shared a common tuition too, and I become online friends with her. Even spoke to her on the phone, but never face to face. I still remember she had written a testimonial for me on Orkut (Yes, those were the days). I am still in touch with her, and she knows that I had a crush (albeit minor one) on her.

Coming back to Orkut, that was where I met my first online crush(Yes, I have had a few online crushes too), sometime around 2006-2007. She was an anime fan like I am. I was really charmed by her(even though I never met her). She was from a wealthy family, and she was also a gamer(I have known very few female gamers in my life). Plus she had roamed across all the major countries. Right now she is working with some Airlines company in the middle east. And she has a boyfriend. The last I interacted with her, was in 2012, via email. No word from her since.

My second major crush was during my first year of engineering. I was just beginning to settle into the realms of mediocrity, when I met this Bong girl from Kolkata. Apparently, she had interest in books and arts as well(I remember her saying that History was her favourite subject in school). And she was pretty decent in English(One thing which was seriously lacking in our college). So we kind of got well along together. She was also the first girl who used to respond to every single SMS of mine. That was the time when I got hooked on to smsing. I wasted a hell lot of time on it. There was another girl who I was close to(though she wasn’t my crush).Things were good for the first 8 months or so, after which I screwed up real bad and that was the end of our friendship. She too started ignoring me. Soon after, the other girl followed suit. That was a very tough phase for me. But I also realized that it was my fault in the first place. I made lot of wrong decisions, for which I am regretful. But then, you cant change the past. Whats done is done. You simply need to move on. And yeah, its much easier said than done. I learned that the hard way.

Then there was a girl in my college, who I thought I liked initially, but after hearing she was committed, I backed off. I never really liked her attitude, to be frank. But that was only for a short while. Then there were a few more online crushes which I would rather not talk about. Is it even possible to fall for a person without even meeting him or her?

Okay, the rest of my engineering life passed by pretty much crushless(apart from another failed situation in which I actually purchased a teddy bear for a girl, and later got to know she has a boyfriend). Even my interaction with the fairer sex dropped drastically. It was almost like back to the school days.
Fast forward to MBA. There was a girl who I had interacted with on facebook on gtalk after converting FMS. I started developing (online?) feelings for her. I wasn’t sure if she was committed or not(at least it wasn’t reflected on her facebook profile) and she was the one who had initiated conversation with me.
I met her soon enough, when I started my MBA. The initial period was a pretty busy one, and I was kind of disappointed that we were never together in any group task. I didn’t get much chance to speak to her either. And considering the fact that I am an introvert, it made my task all the more difficult. But was I even looking for a relationship? Or was it just time pass? Many a time I have felt that I was very serious about the commitment. Later on, I felt it was a mere infatuation in a passing by phase of life.

One day, I remember I got a chance to sit next to her. She opened her laptop, logged into facebook, and showed me a picture of her sitting with a guy in some café. Which was her boyfriend. Excellent. Are all the good girls already booked? Nevertheless, my crush lasted for a while. She was a fresher, around my age, and she had lot of enthusiasm and energy. Plus she was intelligent and eager to learn. An ideal MBA student I suppose. However, with time, the crush fizzled out, and I moved on. Later on, I even told her that I liked her. She took it in a very sporty way, I must add. Some other girl may have been seriously pissed off. Although of course there have been instances when she became angry with me, even towards the end of MBA(but that’s beyond the scope of this post). As of now, we are seldom in touch(I last spoke to her in April, 2013).

My second crush in MBA. For some reason, I would not like to talk about it here. But I am still in touch with her. And she does not know that I ever had a crush on her.

Onwards to my third crush. She was from another bschool, a co-intern in my office during my internship in Mumbai. She was a very sweet and good looking girl. Later on I came to know that she had done modelling in the past as well. I have never seen her being angry even once, in the course of two months. I remember having given her quite a few movies from my collection. Plus we performed together as the lead actors in a flash mob. She had this sweet, charming smile, and she would smile even if she was not in a good mood. We discussed lot of things together. Towards the end of our internship, both of us went for a lunch at a nearby café. That was one of the best lunches of my life. I met her once more, later, during my PPI. She has left the country to work, and I am not sure if I will ever meet her again. But am in touch with her over whatsapp. And she knows that I had a crush on her, and is pretty cool about it.

Now for my fourth and final crush of MBA(and life, so far). She is a punjabi and a proper Delhite. She is the only girl, I actually thought I could propose for marriage. Though of course I dropped the idea later on. I was very serious about this girl. We actually spent a lot of time together as well. And we spoke on the phone quite a bit too. I was hoping she would develop some feelings for me too. But that was not to be. She was more close with another guy, and would spend most of her time with him. I guess she loves him. I am not sure. I even bought a bracelet for her, and gave her few of my drawings for her birthday. We had a few arguments too. She was a very open minded girl, and one of the few I knew who would use slangs freely, even in front of boys. But she was also a teetotaller. I have spent the maximum amount of time chatting and on whatsapp with her. In fact sometimes she would be peeved about the fact that I would chat more and actually talk less.

I told her that I loved her, but I guess she never took it seriously and laughed it out. We spent lot of time together in CCD and Dominos. I considered her as a very close and sincere friend. But somehow I got the feeling that she was more interested in getting my assignments and my books/other academic stuff than in me. Maybe it was me, who was just acting stupid and naïve the whole time. I was in touch with her till a few days ago, when she actually told me to f**k off. Point taken.

I have never been in a relationship, but have experienced lot of crushes. For good or bad, they have certainly made me more mature over the years.

Done and Dusted With

I will try to make this my final post about my MBA life. The reason for that is that I want to get it done and dusted with. There were lots of ups and downs and lot of things which I would prefer to forget, and move on. In this post, I will try to give a brief summary of what I feel my MBA life was like.

To be frank, on hindsight, I feel that there were several things which I could have done, but did not. For example, being more pro-active in competitions. Not for the prize money, but for the experience. I did participate in quite a few, but I admit I never gave it my all. I never stayed awake till the wee hours of the night trying to solve a business case. Maybe out of laziness, or maybe because I just didn’t want to. And to give a brief comparison, I know quite a few of my batchmates who stayed awake nights to work on their presentations/excel sheets.

My other regret is that I didn’t network much. With corporates or people in other bschools. I haven’t even been to any IIM so far[Not even C, which is close to my hometown]. Again, maybe it was my lack of interest, or my lethargy.

My third major regret is that I didn’t involve myself into academics either. I didn’t do a single live project (almost every single batchmate of mine has done at least one), didn’t try to publish any paper, didn’t do any research, checked the central database only twice or so, didn’t read any good book [HR/Marketing], didn’t solve any business case, nor did I try to update myself with the latest business trends. Not to mention, my total apathy at studying for the semester exams[which I started just one week before the actual dates]. Not surprisingly, I ended up amongst the bottom 20 of the batch[amongst a batch size of 220 students].

I even flunked in a few Finance papers. This was one area where I could not force myself to study, even to pass. I disliked most of the theory classes, and did not take any initiatives to do something which could add value to my curriculum vitae. I even took my final project lightly.

But the worst part is that I failed to make friends[barring a handful]. Its not that I did not get along well with others. Its just that I never felt like trying to extend a hand of friendship or support. I never belonged to any group in college. Most of the time I was alone. I hated it, but made no attempts to change it.

Extra-curriculars went for a toss. I would just spend my free time watching anime/movies or lazing around at coffee shops. I don’t remember having done a single meaningful conversation with anyone on the topic of MBA/business.

Was everything so bad and negative about my MBA life? Of course not. There were some good moments too. But those were far and few in between. You may say that I am being pessimistic but I really do not have any ‘Ahaa’ moments to share from my MBA life. I did have a few crushes, but then again I failed to take any step in that regard. I honestly do not know what value add an MBA degree has done to me. How different am I now from the person I was before stepping into a bschool?

There were so many moments when I promised to myself that I would do meaningful things- Master MS Excel/Powerpoint, Learn Japanese, Buy a telescope, join an Astronomy club, go for sight-seeing in different cities in the north[I couldn’t even visit Agra, forget other cities], make friends and go out to have fun, network with other DU students, participate in various events, and I could go on and on. The list of things I planned to do, and failed to execute. And failed to learn from my mistakes. After that I just lost my inspiration to do anything.

Of course, I would prefer to leave the negativity behind me, now that I have entered corporate. I wish I could find myself a permanent source of inspiration. But right now, am in a much better state of mind than I was during MBA. I can actually afford to relax after a hard days work. And that constant nagging at the back of my mind is gone. But somewhere, something is still missing. And I still keep procrastinating on certain issues. I have to learn to back my plans with proper actions, else they will be redundant. And I have to learn to step out of my comfort zone, another thing I am not really good at.

Lets have hope. It’s a good thing to have really. That, and some decent PS-3 games. I have purchased GTA-5, and Batman Arkham Origins releases soon. So much for distractions.

The New Dimension of Gaming

Finally, I purchased a PS3. With my own salary. It feels good. This was an item on the charts for a long time. As my friends know, I am a big gaming enthusiast. And I have played most of the best-selling games.

However, as a gamer, I prefer Action and Role-Playing Games. I have experimented with Strategy as well, and a prefer a mix of Strategy cum Action games. The two categories which I definitely avoid are Racing and Sports[though I have played NFS, Fifa, etc]. But there were quite a few games which were really good but exclusive to the PS3. And I could only read about their reviews or watch their trailers. Which was not sufficient for a gamer like me.

So finally I decided to purchase a PS3. I already own a PS2, which is gathering dust at my home. And Sony plans to come out with the PS4 soon, which is expected to be in the 30k+ price segment. I have been a Sony loyalist, having purchased a Sony Ericsson phone in the past, the PS2, and my personal laptop is Sony Vaio. My father has also purchased a Sony digi cam. This is one company which I have continued to trust and rely upon [I would recommend Made in Japan to anyone who reads books, it’s a marvellous read].

Let us come back to the topic of gaming. Some of my favourite games/game series of the past include the Final Fantasy series, The Metal Gear Solid series (my all time favourite, and the main reason for me deciding to purchase the PS3), Golden Sun, Max Payne, Hitman, Elders Scroll, GTA, Call of Duty, Devil May Cry, Batman Arkham Series, Street Fighter and many more. The maximum time I have invested on a single game is for Final Fantasy XII for the PS2, closely followed by Elders Scroll: Oblivion. Most of the games I have played on the PC, for the obvious reason that Console gaming never really caught up in India [it still remains elusive to most gamers].

Specifically for the PS3, I wanted to try out the following games:
• Metal Gear Solid 4 [Purchased]
• The Last of Us [Purchased]
• Red Dead Redemption [Purchased]
• Uncharted 2 [Purchased]
• Naruto Ultimate Ninja Storm 3 [Out of Stock]
• Metal Gear Rising [In Queue]
• GTA 5 [To be released]
• God of War 3 [Purchased]
• And Others

As you can see, the primary game I had in mind was Metal Gear Solid 4. This was because I have played the previous 3 MGS games, and I must say, its one of the best game series ever. No matter who you are, if you call yourself a serious gamer, you have to play these games. The best part about it, is the completely original and mind-blowing storyline, with an awesome gameplay and brilliantly designed characters. Hideo Kojima, the creater has done a fantastic job, to say the least. The game focusses more on stealth than full-frontal assault, but there are a vast number of weapons and items at your disposal. Plus it gives you a cinematic experience, and the cut-scenes are brilliant too. Right now, am playing MGS-4 and loving every minute of it.

Lot of people may say that gaming is mere entertainment or a waste of time, but for me, it means a lot. I am looking forward to playing Batman Arkham Origin, and I wish that someone could create a good Superman game as well. There hasn’t been one out so far.Moreover, most Superhero games are not really good and made with a narrow scope(the Batman Arkham series is a big exception). I personally favour games which involve swordfighting and magic. I remember that Ryu Hayabusa (From the Ninja Gaiden series) was once my favourite gaming character. Of course, at present it is non other than Solid Snake.

Lets see what more does gaming have in store. The next stop will be Virtual Reality, and gaming in which we will be completely involved in the gameplay.

Work Life!

Finally, a blog post, after quite some while. This is my first post after joining BASF India as a Management Trainee. So finally, corporate life begins. But this post is not about my corporate experience. But life outside of it.

This is the famous monsoon season in Mumbai. Its literally raining 24 x 7 on some days. I am used to getting wet repeatedly. I made a cardinal mistake of losing my umbrella in the first week itself. Then bought a new one, which conked out after using it for just one time. Just great! On top of that, the strap of my watch got torn, my mobile is at an all time bad condition, and the worst part is that I badly injured my right arm, and got a skin infection to go along with it. I also have other health problems, but there is no point mentioning about them.

But I still have had some fun to say the least. There are nine other management trainees out here, and we are all staying at the same place. There are lot of things which I have been doing, and recently we all went out to watch Bhaag Milkha Bhaag. I found the movie very inspiring, and would definitely see it again later, if I get the time. Farhaan Akhtar was just brilliant. I haven’t got the time to go exploring Mumbai yet, as I am busy with work. But I am definitely planning to go around once I get a bit of free time. Hopefully will meet up with some friends as well.

But the good part is that, I am actually glad to be busy. For two months, I did almost nothing but watch movies, play games, and waste time on facebook. So it’s a nice welcome change to actually work and be preoccupied with positive activities.

I am actually hopeful for the future, and I am looking forward to doing something big. And there are lot of other plans as well. Time management is the key. But am not even getting time to read books right now. Still trying to remain regular with newspapers.

R.I.P. English

Often, I retrospect about my school and college days, and quite often than not, my thoughts wander to my teachers. I have had the privilege of studying under some teachers with an outstanding prowess in the English language [NOTE- SARCASM]. Before you start judging me, I would like to say that I have nothing personal against these personalities. But I would just like to share a few quotes/statements which have made them popular. Of course, I shall not be taking their original names. Also, I have NOT exaggerated the following quotes in any way. My classmates will testify for that.

Let us refer to them as T1,T2 and T3[There would be many more, but then I cannot let this post run forever].

T1= Maths Teacher, T2= Physics teacher[Nickname- Apple], T3= Electronics Teacher [Nickname- Spoken English]

T1: ‘Hey, Quiet All are. The Principal has just passed away.’ [When the principal walked by the classroom]

T1: ‘Now, integral calculus solves you all are. This formula remembers you. Exam very important formula is.’

T1: ‘You middle boy last bench all are. Stand up and go into the blackboard. The sum solves you.’

T1: ‘Open the window. Let the air force/atmosphere come in.’ [Okay, this one is common, I agree]

T1: ‘Come meet me underground in the break time when I am empty.’ [Interpretation: Meet me on the ground floor, during break when I am free]

T1:’ When I talk, you talk, no middle talk.’

T2: ‘Today I will explain laws of moshain [motion]. The apple falling head, Newton falling, gravity, to and fro moshain, which is loose moshain.’

T2: ‘Arrey hum tumko aisa marega ki tumhara laal gaal ko maar ke safed kar dega.’ [Translation- I will slap you so hard that your red cheek will turn white, (whatever that meant)]

T2: ‘The atoms moving zig-zag on floor is Simple Harmonic Moshain(motion)’

A female student asks T3 for permission to go to the washroom. His reply: ‘Okay, lets go.’

T3: ‘No AC will go where DC will go. You no go where AC will go. Your ghar will have AC. You don’t know where is AC.’ (Note- AC stands for Alternating Current, DC for Direct Current).

Unfortunately I have forgotten about T3's epic comments, especially during our practical sessions in Electronics. Some of his statements used to make us ROFL, literally.

If there is one serious regret which I have in my life, it’s the fact that throughout my education life(which recently ended), there are just a handful of teachers I have known whom I consider to be good. And just to clarify, its not just because they were not proficient in English. Even otherwise, I can barely remember a time or situation when I looked forward to attending a class.
And this, in spite of me getting an above average education. I can only imagine the quality of education in majority of the schools and colleges in India. Isn’t there anything which we can do to improve the standard of education in this country? Forget the Government, it obviously doesn’t care. Its time for the private sector and NGO’s to step up.

Why I have so few Friends!

Right now I am sitting at home, doing nothing. Well almost nothing, apart from reading some books, watching Smallville and One Piece, and occasionally sports and Emotional Atyachaar (yes, you got that right) on tv. I have been doing the same for almost two months now. From next month onwards, I shall be a Management Trainee at BASF India, Mumbai.

I have been growing through some mood swings recently. Often, I end up feeling depressed and frustrated, when negative feelings take over. Maybe its cause I don’t have any proper work to do. Or maybe because there is no friend here in my home town. Which again sets me to introspect and retrospect. Hence this post.

What is the definition of a friend to me? Okay, I will skip that. Why do I have so few friends? That’s a more interesting question. Well, first of all I would like to mention that I categorize my friends according to hierarchy. I know quite a few people will claim that they treat all their friends equally, etc, but that’s plain crap. Nobody can treat everyone similarly. There is bound to be bias. Hence, I clearly claim that I make a hierarchy of friendship. Unlike my previous posts, I shall not be taking any names in this one.

At the top layer, there is the Category 1. This is an exclusive category for my closest and true friends. Only 3 or 4 people fall in this category. These are the ones whom I can trust blindly, and have known since childhood.

The second layer, category 2 comprises of those friends whom I may not have known for very long, but nevertheless I do trust them to a large extent, and I also feel comfortable and happy in their presence. It brings about a positive aura, when I am surrounded by them. Nevertheless, I shall not be sharing everything with them.

The third layer, is category 3. These are those people with whom I have had multiple conversations, and I appreciate their work. However, I do not share any close bonds with them, and it wont make much of a difference to me if I am not in touch with someone for long. Sometimes I even have had fights, and arguments with these people(Of course, we can all generalize and say that friends keep having fights, but I meant differently).

The last layer is category 4. These people are not strictly friends, but more like acquaintances and present in my facebook friend list. I may have talked to them a few times, smiled to them out of courtesy, but beyond that, there is scarcely anything. They are just one degree above strangers, in my view. Highly likely to be forgotten as time goes by.

Yes, I know many of you will find this categorization strange or even bizarre. But that is exactly how it is. In fact, our minds are tuned to categorize people in different ways, based upon our perception of them. This is one reason why we can never totally avoid being judgmental.

So back to the original issue at hand. I admit, I have very few ‘true’ friends, ie those who belong to category one. And not many in category 2 either. What is the reason for that? Being an introvert? Being unsocial? Maybe, both of the reasons are true. I also usually do not initiate a conversation. I do not like talking about myself. In fact, I do not like talking without any purpose[ie random chit chat]. I prefer to listen. And I very rarely open up to anyone. I never share my feelings with others either. So I guess those are the logical reasons which my mind shares. But the truth may be different. Who knows.

Now, to come to a specific area: Female friends. Zero in Category 1. And just a couple or so in Category 2. That’s it. Surprised? Well that’s the truth. I have very few female friends. I could count them on the fingers of one hand. I guess the problem is that I rarely talk to females about matters besides education/work. And even that talk is limited. I studied in a all boys school, and had very limited interaction with girls, even in college. Of course, if you do Engineering and then MBA(from a premier institute) your interaction with the fairer sex is bound to be limited. Forget dating or asking a girl out, even talking to a girl was like a difficult chore for me. Though of course, I did talk to a few of them, and have chatted online with many, but could hardly make friends with anyone. I can even say that I did not have a single female friend before MBA. My closest friends are all male. And I do not see any change coming in the future.

Sometimes, I do feel sad about it of course. Most of my batchmates (both engg and MBA) have a healthy mix of friends from both genders. I would have desired the same. Maybe not many friends, but equal numbers of both genders. However, that was not to be. I guess it is because of my nature.

I do not believe that facebook chat and gtalk is an alternative for actual face to face interactions. In fact, virtual friendship has made life tougher for us. I resent the fact that I spend more time chatting and whatsapping than talking to people in real. This is something which I must seriously change in myself. I hate socializing, but I could try that too, in Mumbai. Maybe participate in some blogger discussions or debates, etc. But of course, I will avoid parties, as I consider them to be a simple waste of time. Travelling is something which I want to do as well.

You know that you will feel miserable when you badly want to go someplace (such as the movies) but don’t have even a single friend to accompany you[I watched both Iron Man 3, and Man of Steel alone]. But the fault is in me, attribution theory has taught me that.

See you around folks.

My Bschool Bestest

I bet the caption caught your attention, didn’t it? Anyways, this article is based on my personal experience, being a moderator at Pagalguy.com, and also active at several other MBA forums. Call it ego or whatever, but the truth is that most Bschoolers become incredibly defensive when it comes to talking about their alma mater.

After all, nobody wants their[or their bschool’s] skeletons to be out of the closet, do they? Naturally, everyone will only talk about the positive aspects of joining XYZ School of Management, and will conveniently leave out the cons. If at all they are included, they will be as good as being neglected. Most placement reports claim 100% placements, with the top brands on the front page. This gives a very wrong impression to aspirants. Say for example, a particular bschool had 400 students, and the top 100 got good offers, and the bottom 50 remained unplaced. Still the placement report will suggest that ALL the students were placed in decent companies with good profiles.

This is an era when even the top bschools are struggling to place all their students, not to mention the tier-2 or tier-3 ones. But this is not the focus of my article. I find it irritating when bschoolers try to hide details from the public, openly resort to lying, and get into heated arguments whenever there is a comparison between bschools. A common comparison is between an IIM and a Non-IIM, albeit top bschool. Just for an example, lets take comparing IIM Lucknow with XLRI, or a new IIM versus MDI/NITIE/IIFT. The IIM grads will swear that an IIM tag matters a lot, whereas a non-IIM grad will focus on other aspects[say location, alumni base, etc]. Some people will claim that an IIM is an IIM, hence it’s the sole reason for you to join. Others will remark that it’s better to take a bschool which is well established than to worry about an IIM tag. This is just one example out of many.

Unfortunately, this only adds to an aspirant’s confusion and doubt, since he will get biased reports from both sides. Recently, one guy called me up asking for my opinion on IIM L vs FMS. I tried to give him as objective a perspective as possible and even highlighted the points where L scored over FMS. However, I know from experience that most people will not do that. They will go at any length to defend their own bschool.

It saddens me to say this, but some of my batchmates have done the same too[repeatedly claiming FMS’s superiority over others]. There is a [albeit thin] difference between promoting one’s bschool and blindly boasting about its strengths.

Some of the common confusions [for aspirants having multiple converts are]:

i) IIM A vs IIM B vs IIM C
ii) IIM L vs FMS vs XLRI
iii) IIM I vs IIM K
iv) MDI vs NITIE vs IIFT
v) New IIMs
vi) SP Jain vs JBIMS vs newer IIM [including K]
vii) IMT vs NMIMS vs XIM-B vs SIBM

And others.

My advice to bschoolers: Guys, you people are talented and wise. Stop misguiding others, and try to lay out as objective a picture as possible. Trust me, it will increase the respect people will have for your bschool.

@Aspirants: Don’t get misguided by what an institute’s placement report claims. Talk to the students, alums, and third parties [neutral] to get an overall picture. Lot of bschools don’t even have proper campuses of their own[but advertise it]. And if you have multiple converts, don’t spend too much time over-thinking. Just set your priorities and chose one and stick to it. Remember, if you have it in you, you will be successful no matter where you end up.

Adios for now. It’s time to play Call of Duty: MW 3.