Thursday, March 7, 2013 1 comments

A Broken Dream, a Random Soul

Dear Diary,

I am writing this to you, cause honestly, I don’t know who else to say this to. Don’t get me wrong, it isn’t that I do not have any friend or someone I can speak to. Its just that I don’t feel like sharing this with anyone. I am not sure anyone will understand either. Maybe they will think that I am just a weak person who cant deal with his own problems. Who knows, they may be right.

Sometimes, I cry to myself. May not shed tears all the time, but it is still equivalent to crying. Why do I do so, you ask? I don’t know. Or rather, I don’t know from where to begin. Maybe it has all to do with running rat races, trying to do what the society expects out of you, what your parents, friends and peers expect you to do.

I feel I am at the wrong place. With the wrong crowd. Amidst a wrong setting, and about to depart into a wrong environment. This is NOT what I wanted to do. Hence, I could never really like this place. Oh, yes, made a few friends here and there. Some of them are probably genuinely concerned about me too. But I guess I have not been a good friend to anyone. I have tons of work to do, but somehow I feel just too sad to do anything at all.

In fact, I do not belong to any group out here. I am always alone, lonely, and mostly in despair or frustration. There is no single reason for this. I know that I am an introvert. It takes me time to open up to people, and I rarely talk about myself or my feelings to anyone. Its all business and other urgent matters that people want to discuss. Somehow, I never felt like doing so. Was I wrong? Maybe. Maybe I should have been more active, more social. But I guess facebook and whatsapp took over my social life. I became a virtual identity that’s all. Maybe my true self has been lost over time.

Some people have a very high opinion of me. That I am some superb individual, a fantastic writer, and an honest, passionate, helpful person. Then there are others who consider me to be a quiet, unsocial and selfish guy. Everyone is judgmental, and everyone forms his or her opinions about everything. In spite of having so many benefits, I am still not happy. Far from it. Worse, I have no clue what to do in the future.

I have got lot of advice too, mostly from well wishers. Watch movies, listen to calm music, exercise, meditate, go for walks, read books, play games, etc. I have tried them all. And yet, this deep, never ending, storm of negative emotions simply refuses to die down.

I feel that negative emotions have overwhelmed me, to the extent that I stay insanely depressed most of the time. I feel neglected, deprived, ignored, forgotten. I feel like escapist, wanting to run away desperately, but without a clue of my destination. I have started complaining about anything and everything. I feel that nobody understands me. However, the logical part of my mind says its just the reverse. There is no point blaming others. The problem is in me, and ONLY I can solve it. God helps those who help themselves right? But how do I help myself? Nevertheless, I am still an emotional wreck. And this is also not all.

I really like her a lot, Diary. In fact, I love her. Every single second spend with her is like a magical fantasy, like a fairy tale come true. Every single ping or message of hers lits my face with joy. But I do not have the guts to tell it to her. What if she likes someone else? What if she stops talking to me? Will I be able to bear that? Why am I so afraid? And why do I feel so jealous whenever I see her talking and spending time with other guys? I keep feeling miserable every day for no reason. With this pain and gash in my heart. What do I do? I am confused. I have started finding faults in every single little thing. I have almost broken up with my first love- reading. I think I am going mad, and if I don’t do something soon, I will completely break down.

Thank you for being patient and hearing me out, diary. Alas, I have to stop for now. Cause this rat race will never end. And I do not want to inflict any pain on others. But more often than not, I end up hurting or disappointing those I love. Then, at the end of it all, I ask the same question which has been asked for centuries- ‘What is the purpose of my existence? And do I actually deserve to exist at all?’

Yours faithfully,
A broken soul