2013 in Flashback

This may be my last post for the year. So how was 2013 in review, in retrospect? Was it better than 2012 or worse? Oh, well, like most other management grads, let me also put some bullet points:

Yin:
• Finally began my first job, at BASF. Been a good journey so far
• Made new friends, though all within BASF
• Met some old friends, had some good times
• Shifted to Mumbai for the time being, liking it better than Delhi
• Got a PS3, and some cool games to go along with it(including GTA-V)
• Mastered Naruto Ultimate Ninja Storm 3
• Got some decent books as well
• Saw the first play of my life (The Vagina Monologues)
• Visited the Times Literary Carnival 2013 (with Amitabha and Girish), a great experience
• Completed my MBA (Don’t feel like mentioning that, but its kinda important nevertheless)-and passed all subjects
• Got my heart broken(by one of my past crushes)
• Started Breaking Bad
• Finished a few anime- Samurai Champloo, When they Cry Season 1, Mirrai Nikki, etc
• Tried out a few new restaurants, notably Delhi Durbar
• Had my first Starbucks Coffee (with Girish)
• Had a rural stint, in work
• Managed to get back in touch with a good friend
• Visited an Oktoberfest(German beer festival) and had just plain water
• Visited Elephanta Caves once more(had been there in 2012)
• Saw Gravity at Imax Wadala
• Went for shopping with female colleagues (re-learned the art of patience)
• Went for an Outbound training session at Kolad
• Saw how board meetings are like
• Stayed alone at hotels in rural areas
• Danced and performed in front of a crowd
• Travelled to Pune, and Met Amitabha

Yang:
• Gained Weight
• Had occasional bouts of depression
• Did few things which I should not have, and ended up hurting others in the process
• Felt the loss of my grandfather, who passed away this year
• Felt aimless and goalless at times
• Procrastinated
• Wasted 2 months at home, doing virtually nothing but facebook and whatsapp whole day
• Had tons of health problems, felt miserable
• Felt pessimistic

So in all, I guess 2013 was probably a better year than 2012 was. I wont say that I am at the best of my moods right now, but am definitely better off than I was in Delhi.

Lets see what 2014 has in store for me.

Special thanks to everyone who made this year special for me.

And a special mention to the Grow Batch(Trainees in BASF) 2013: Nikhil, Jerry, Swati, Anupama, Shapnaa, Prakash, Waseem, Ravi and Subodh. It was real fun hanging out with you guys.

Live Life Aeyo Style

This is to imply that I am indeed alive, and trying to change the way I live life.

Enough said!!

Mini Reviews

Mini Reviews:

i)Game:

The Last of Us:

This is a PS-3 exclusive game, with a zombie revolving story. But hang on, there is a reason why this game is considered to be one of the best titles ever to come out for the PS-3. It has some incredible graphics, including mind blowing visuals and attention to detail, from a moving leaf, to a falling rain-drop. The gameplay is pretty good, with the classic Naughty Dog engine(remember Uncharted?). Although the puzzles are not too complicated, it still takes some time to figure out the best way forward. But unlike some other games, it does not drag. Plus you can opt for hints in case you get stuck. Weapons and bullets are in short supply, so you must learn to conserve them. Action, adventure, suspense, thrill, horror, humor, you get to experience everything in this game. The story, though basic will keep you occupied. Somewhere down the line, you start feeling as if you are part of the game. This is definitely a must have.

Rating: 9.5/10

ii) Book:

Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman:

This book is another masterpiece, a life changing novel for me. It portrays the importance of EQ over IQ, something which was largely ignored both in personal and professional life. The book covers the basics of biology, and gives a good insight into the nature and behaviour of people. It will help you understand the basics of emotions, and will give you tips on handling several problems, as well as dealing with others. For a psychology lover like me, this book was a pure delight. Although it does get slightly technical at times, I would recommend this book to anyone who has passed high school. The author is an expert on the topic, and his writing style is pretty decent.

Rating: 9/10

iii) Movie:

Gravity, by Alfonso Cuaron

Unlike 99% of the crowd who reviewed Gravity, I didn’t like the movie that much. I believe its largely over-hyped, including statements by James Cameron such as, it’s the best sci-fi movie ever made, etc. I may be no expert, but this movie is definitely not the best by a long shot. It is very much an average(or below average) movie. The plus point of course, is the special effects, when you consider it in 3-D. But there is hardly anything else in the movie to note about. The story is very banal, and the movie is way too short to make an impact(I had just started munching on my popcorn when the interval arrived). Sandra Bullock is ageing and it shows. The movie could have been made in a much better way. I regret to say that I wasted 430 bucks on this movie (Imax)

Rating: 5/10

iv) Anime:

Higurashi no Naku Koro ni:

This anime was recommended to me by Nikhil. There are two seasons, and I am still watching the first one. So far, I would say that I am impressed. This is a very unique anime(based on a game+manga), in the sense that it involves looping(one story is of 4-5 episodes, it ends and then a different but related story begins and so on). For example, a particular character may die in the first chapter, but then be alive for the next chapter and so on. These chapters are linked, but in a subtle way. The series is definitely not meant for children. There is blood, murder and gore. But the suspense is just incredible(Not the same level as Mirrai Nikki though). And the character design is excellent. But it does have its occasional dull moments.

Rating: 8/10.

Crushed

The following may or may not be a work of fiction. Reader discretion is advised.

My first crush was a girl in my class, during my 11th standard. I had just changed my school from a boys-only to co-ed. There were a mere 10 girls out of a class of around 60 students. No wonder the skewed sex ratio acts as a deterrent for female education. I felt as if I was in love. I guess it was nothing more than initial attraction.

My way of trying to please her, was to solve some computer programmes and give her print-outs of the same. Yeah, pretty lame when you look back at it. Initially it was going fine, but then I stupidly took a picture of her during a tuition class. It was the era of the early camera mobile phones. Of course the news spread that I was ‘Line-marooing’ the girl, and she stopped talking to me hence. Post which I discovered a new emotion-Jealousy. Particularly when she spoke to other guys, and ignored me. It felt like hell at that time. Little did I know that this problem would strike at me again and again and again, to this day.

Entire class 12 was worse than hell. Not to add to the fact that I screwed up all my competitive exams. Enough said.
There was another girl I liked at school, though she was not in my section. We shared a common tuition too, and I become online friends with her. Even spoke to her on the phone, but never face to face. I still remember she had written a testimonial for me on Orkut (Yes, those were the days). I am still in touch with her, and she knows that I had a crush (albeit minor one) on her.

Coming back to Orkut, that was where I met my first online crush(Yes, I have had a few online crushes too), sometime around 2006-2007. She was an anime fan like I am. I was really charmed by her(even though I never met her). She was from a wealthy family, and she was also a gamer(I have known very few female gamers in my life). Plus she had roamed across all the major countries. Right now she is working with some Airlines company in the middle east. And she has a boyfriend. The last I interacted with her, was in 2012, via email. No word from her since.

My second major crush was during my first year of engineering. I was just beginning to settle into the realms of mediocrity, when I met this Bong girl from Kolkata. Apparently, she had interest in books and arts as well(I remember her saying that History was her favourite subject in school). And she was pretty decent in English(One thing which was seriously lacking in our college). So we kind of got well along together. She was also the first girl who used to respond to every single SMS of mine. That was the time when I got hooked on to smsing. I wasted a hell lot of time on it. There was another girl who I was close to(though she wasn’t my crush).Things were good for the first 8 months or so, after which I screwed up real bad and that was the end of our friendship. She too started ignoring me. Soon after, the other girl followed suit. That was a very tough phase for me. But I also realized that it was my fault in the first place. I made lot of wrong decisions, for which I am regretful. But then, you cant change the past. Whats done is done. You simply need to move on. And yeah, its much easier said than done. I learned that the hard way.

Then there was a girl in my college, who I thought I liked initially, but after hearing she was committed, I backed off. I never really liked her attitude, to be frank. But that was only for a short while. Then there were a few more online crushes which I would rather not talk about. Is it even possible to fall for a person without even meeting him or her?

Okay, the rest of my engineering life passed by pretty much crushless(apart from another failed situation in which I actually purchased a teddy bear for a girl, and later got to know she has a boyfriend). Even my interaction with the fairer sex dropped drastically. It was almost like back to the school days.
Fast forward to MBA. There was a girl who I had interacted with on facebook on gtalk after converting FMS. I started developing (online?) feelings for her. I wasn’t sure if she was committed or not(at least it wasn’t reflected on her facebook profile) and she was the one who had initiated conversation with me.
I met her soon enough, when I started my MBA. The initial period was a pretty busy one, and I was kind of disappointed that we were never together in any group task. I didn’t get much chance to speak to her either. And considering the fact that I am an introvert, it made my task all the more difficult. But was I even looking for a relationship? Or was it just time pass? Many a time I have felt that I was very serious about the commitment. Later on, I felt it was a mere infatuation in a passing by phase of life.

One day, I remember I got a chance to sit next to her. She opened her laptop, logged into facebook, and showed me a picture of her sitting with a guy in some café. Which was her boyfriend. Excellent. Are all the good girls already booked? Nevertheless, my crush lasted for a while. She was a fresher, around my age, and she had lot of enthusiasm and energy. Plus she was intelligent and eager to learn. An ideal MBA student I suppose. However, with time, the crush fizzled out, and I moved on. Later on, I even told her that I liked her. She took it in a very sporty way, I must add. Some other girl may have been seriously pissed off. Although of course there have been instances when she became angry with me, even towards the end of MBA(but that’s beyond the scope of this post). As of now, we are seldom in touch(I last spoke to her in April, 2013).

My second crush in MBA. For some reason, I would not like to talk about it here. But I am still in touch with her. And she does not know that I ever had a crush on her.

Onwards to my third crush. She was from another bschool, a co-intern in my office during my internship in Mumbai. She was a very sweet and good looking girl. Later on I came to know that she had done modelling in the past as well. I have never seen her being angry even once, in the course of two months. I remember having given her quite a few movies from my collection. Plus we performed together as the lead actors in a flash mob. She had this sweet, charming smile, and she would smile even if she was not in a good mood. We discussed lot of things together. Towards the end of our internship, both of us went for a lunch at a nearby café. That was one of the best lunches of my life. I met her once more, later, during my PPI. She has left the country to work, and I am not sure if I will ever meet her again. But am in touch with her over whatsapp. And she knows that I had a crush on her, and is pretty cool about it.

Now for my fourth and final crush of MBA(and life, so far). She is a punjabi and a proper Delhite. She is the only girl, I actually thought I could propose for marriage. Though of course I dropped the idea later on. I was very serious about this girl. We actually spent a lot of time together as well. And we spoke on the phone quite a bit too. I was hoping she would develop some feelings for me too. But that was not to be. She was more close with another guy, and would spend most of her time with him. I guess she loves him. I am not sure. I even bought a bracelet for her, and gave her few of my drawings for her birthday. We had a few arguments too. She was a very open minded girl, and one of the few I knew who would use slangs freely, even in front of boys. But she was also a teetotaller. I have spent the maximum amount of time chatting and on whatsapp with her. In fact sometimes she would be peeved about the fact that I would chat more and actually talk less.

I told her that I loved her, but I guess she never took it seriously and laughed it out. We spent lot of time together in CCD and Dominos. I considered her as a very close and sincere friend. But somehow I got the feeling that she was more interested in getting my assignments and my books/other academic stuff than in me. Maybe it was me, who was just acting stupid and naïve the whole time. I was in touch with her till a few days ago, when she actually told me to f**k off. Point taken.

I have never been in a relationship, but have experienced lot of crushes. For good or bad, they have certainly made me more mature over the years.

Done and Dusted With

I will try to make this my final post about my MBA life. The reason for that is that I want to get it done and dusted with. There were lots of ups and downs and lot of things which I would prefer to forget, and move on. In this post, I will try to give a brief summary of what I feel my MBA life was like.

To be frank, on hindsight, I feel that there were several things which I could have done, but did not. For example, being more pro-active in competitions. Not for the prize money, but for the experience. I did participate in quite a few, but I admit I never gave it my all. I never stayed awake till the wee hours of the night trying to solve a business case. Maybe out of laziness, or maybe because I just didn’t want to. And to give a brief comparison, I know quite a few of my batchmates who stayed awake nights to work on their presentations/excel sheets.

My other regret is that I didn’t network much. With corporates or people in other bschools. I haven’t even been to any IIM so far[Not even C, which is close to my hometown]. Again, maybe it was my lack of interest, or my lethargy.

My third major regret is that I didn’t involve myself into academics either. I didn’t do a single live project (almost every single batchmate of mine has done at least one), didn’t try to publish any paper, didn’t do any research, checked the central database only twice or so, didn’t read any good book [HR/Marketing], didn’t solve any business case, nor did I try to update myself with the latest business trends. Not to mention, my total apathy at studying for the semester exams[which I started just one week before the actual dates]. Not surprisingly, I ended up amongst the bottom 20 of the batch[amongst a batch size of 220 students].

I even flunked in a few Finance papers. This was one area where I could not force myself to study, even to pass. I disliked most of the theory classes, and did not take any initiatives to do something which could add value to my curriculum vitae. I even took my final project lightly.

But the worst part is that I failed to make friends[barring a handful]. Its not that I did not get along well with others. Its just that I never felt like trying to extend a hand of friendship or support. I never belonged to any group in college. Most of the time I was alone. I hated it, but made no attempts to change it.

Extra-curriculars went for a toss. I would just spend my free time watching anime/movies or lazing around at coffee shops. I don’t remember having done a single meaningful conversation with anyone on the topic of MBA/business.

Was everything so bad and negative about my MBA life? Of course not. There were some good moments too. But those were far and few in between. You may say that I am being pessimistic but I really do not have any ‘Ahaa’ moments to share from my MBA life. I did have a few crushes, but then again I failed to take any step in that regard. I honestly do not know what value add an MBA degree has done to me. How different am I now from the person I was before stepping into a bschool?

There were so many moments when I promised to myself that I would do meaningful things- Master MS Excel/Powerpoint, Learn Japanese, Buy a telescope, join an Astronomy club, go for sight-seeing in different cities in the north[I couldn’t even visit Agra, forget other cities], make friends and go out to have fun, network with other DU students, participate in various events, and I could go on and on. The list of things I planned to do, and failed to execute. And failed to learn from my mistakes. After that I just lost my inspiration to do anything.

Of course, I would prefer to leave the negativity behind me, now that I have entered corporate. I wish I could find myself a permanent source of inspiration. But right now, am in a much better state of mind than I was during MBA. I can actually afford to relax after a hard days work. And that constant nagging at the back of my mind is gone. But somewhere, something is still missing. And I still keep procrastinating on certain issues. I have to learn to back my plans with proper actions, else they will be redundant. And I have to learn to step out of my comfort zone, another thing I am not really good at.

Lets have hope. It’s a good thing to have really. That, and some decent PS-3 games. I have purchased GTA-5, and Batman Arkham Origins releases soon. So much for distractions.

The New Dimension of Gaming

Finally, I purchased a PS3. With my own salary. It feels good. This was an item on the charts for a long time. As my friends know, I am a big gaming enthusiast. And I have played most of the best-selling games.

However, as a gamer, I prefer Action and Role-Playing Games. I have experimented with Strategy as well, and a prefer a mix of Strategy cum Action games. The two categories which I definitely avoid are Racing and Sports[though I have played NFS, Fifa, etc]. But there were quite a few games which were really good but exclusive to the PS3. And I could only read about their reviews or watch their trailers. Which was not sufficient for a gamer like me.

So finally I decided to purchase a PS3. I already own a PS2, which is gathering dust at my home. And Sony plans to come out with the PS4 soon, which is expected to be in the 30k+ price segment. I have been a Sony loyalist, having purchased a Sony Ericsson phone in the past, the PS2, and my personal laptop is Sony Vaio. My father has also purchased a Sony digi cam. This is one company which I have continued to trust and rely upon [I would recommend Made in Japan to anyone who reads books, it’s a marvellous read].

Let us come back to the topic of gaming. Some of my favourite games/game series of the past include the Final Fantasy series, The Metal Gear Solid series (my all time favourite, and the main reason for me deciding to purchase the PS3), Golden Sun, Max Payne, Hitman, Elders Scroll, GTA, Call of Duty, Devil May Cry, Batman Arkham Series, Street Fighter and many more. The maximum time I have invested on a single game is for Final Fantasy XII for the PS2, closely followed by Elders Scroll: Oblivion. Most of the games I have played on the PC, for the obvious reason that Console gaming never really caught up in India [it still remains elusive to most gamers].

Specifically for the PS3, I wanted to try out the following games:
• Metal Gear Solid 4 [Purchased]
• The Last of Us [Purchased]
• Red Dead Redemption [Purchased]
• Uncharted 2 [Purchased]
• Naruto Ultimate Ninja Storm 3 [Out of Stock]
• Metal Gear Rising [In Queue]
• GTA 5 [To be released]
• God of War 3 [Purchased]
• And Others

As you can see, the primary game I had in mind was Metal Gear Solid 4. This was because I have played the previous 3 MGS games, and I must say, its one of the best game series ever. No matter who you are, if you call yourself a serious gamer, you have to play these games. The best part about it, is the completely original and mind-blowing storyline, with an awesome gameplay and brilliantly designed characters. Hideo Kojima, the creater has done a fantastic job, to say the least. The game focusses more on stealth than full-frontal assault, but there are a vast number of weapons and items at your disposal. Plus it gives you a cinematic experience, and the cut-scenes are brilliant too. Right now, am playing MGS-4 and loving every minute of it.

Lot of people may say that gaming is mere entertainment or a waste of time, but for me, it means a lot. I am looking forward to playing Batman Arkham Origin, and I wish that someone could create a good Superman game as well. There hasn’t been one out so far.Moreover, most Superhero games are not really good and made with a narrow scope(the Batman Arkham series is a big exception). I personally favour games which involve swordfighting and magic. I remember that Ryu Hayabusa (From the Ninja Gaiden series) was once my favourite gaming character. Of course, at present it is non other than Solid Snake.

Lets see what more does gaming have in store. The next stop will be Virtual Reality, and gaming in which we will be completely involved in the gameplay.

Work Life!

Finally, a blog post, after quite some while. This is my first post after joining BASF India as a Management Trainee. So finally, corporate life begins. But this post is not about my corporate experience. But life outside of it.

This is the famous monsoon season in Mumbai. Its literally raining 24 x 7 on some days. I am used to getting wet repeatedly. I made a cardinal mistake of losing my umbrella in the first week itself. Then bought a new one, which conked out after using it for just one time. Just great! On top of that, the strap of my watch got torn, my mobile is at an all time bad condition, and the worst part is that I badly injured my right arm, and got a skin infection to go along with it. I also have other health problems, but there is no point mentioning about them.

But I still have had some fun to say the least. There are nine other management trainees out here, and we are all staying at the same place. There are lot of things which I have been doing, and recently we all went out to watch Bhaag Milkha Bhaag. I found the movie very inspiring, and would definitely see it again later, if I get the time. Farhaan Akhtar was just brilliant. I haven’t got the time to go exploring Mumbai yet, as I am busy with work. But I am definitely planning to go around once I get a bit of free time. Hopefully will meet up with some friends as well.

But the good part is that, I am actually glad to be busy. For two months, I did almost nothing but watch movies, play games, and waste time on facebook. So it’s a nice welcome change to actually work and be preoccupied with positive activities.

I am actually hopeful for the future, and I am looking forward to doing something big. And there are lot of other plans as well. Time management is the key. But am not even getting time to read books right now. Still trying to remain regular with newspapers.

R.I.P. English

Often, I retrospect about my school and college days, and quite often than not, my thoughts wander to my teachers. I have had the privilege of studying under some teachers with an outstanding prowess in the English language [NOTE- SARCASM]. Before you start judging me, I would like to say that I have nothing personal against these personalities. But I would just like to share a few quotes/statements which have made them popular. Of course, I shall not be taking their original names. Also, I have NOT exaggerated the following quotes in any way. My classmates will testify for that.

Let us refer to them as T1,T2 and T3[There would be many more, but then I cannot let this post run forever].

T1= Maths Teacher, T2= Physics teacher[Nickname- Apple], T3= Electronics Teacher [Nickname- Spoken English]

T1: ‘Hey, Quiet All are. The Principal has just passed away.’ [When the principal walked by the classroom]

T1: ‘Now, integral calculus solves you all are. This formula remembers you. Exam very important formula is.’

T1: ‘You middle boy last bench all are. Stand up and go into the blackboard. The sum solves you.’

T1: ‘Open the window. Let the air force/atmosphere come in.’ [Okay, this one is common, I agree]

T1: ‘Come meet me underground in the break time when I am empty.’ [Interpretation: Meet me on the ground floor, during break when I am free]

T1:’ When I talk, you talk, no middle talk.’

T2: ‘Today I will explain laws of moshain [motion]. The apple falling head, Newton falling, gravity, to and fro moshain, which is loose moshain.’

T2: ‘Arrey hum tumko aisa marega ki tumhara laal gaal ko maar ke safed kar dega.’ [Translation- I will slap you so hard that your red cheek will turn white, (whatever that meant)]

T2: ‘The atoms moving zig-zag on floor is Simple Harmonic Moshain(motion)’

A female student asks T3 for permission to go to the washroom. His reply: ‘Okay, lets go.’

T3: ‘No AC will go where DC will go. You no go where AC will go. Your ghar will have AC. You don’t know where is AC.’ (Note- AC stands for Alternating Current, DC for Direct Current).

Unfortunately I have forgotten about T3's epic comments, especially during our practical sessions in Electronics. Some of his statements used to make us ROFL, literally.

If there is one serious regret which I have in my life, it’s the fact that throughout my education life(which recently ended), there are just a handful of teachers I have known whom I consider to be good. And just to clarify, its not just because they were not proficient in English. Even otherwise, I can barely remember a time or situation when I looked forward to attending a class.
And this, in spite of me getting an above average education. I can only imagine the quality of education in majority of the schools and colleges in India. Isn’t there anything which we can do to improve the standard of education in this country? Forget the Government, it obviously doesn’t care. Its time for the private sector and NGO’s to step up.

Why I have so few Friends!

Right now I am sitting at home, doing nothing. Well almost nothing, apart from reading some books, watching Smallville and One Piece, and occasionally sports and Emotional Atyachaar (yes, you got that right) on tv. I have been doing the same for almost two months now. From next month onwards, I shall be a Management Trainee at BASF India, Mumbai.

I have been growing through some mood swings recently. Often, I end up feeling depressed and frustrated, when negative feelings take over. Maybe its cause I don’t have any proper work to do. Or maybe because there is no friend here in my home town. Which again sets me to introspect and retrospect. Hence this post.

What is the definition of a friend to me? Okay, I will skip that. Why do I have so few friends? That’s a more interesting question. Well, first of all I would like to mention that I categorize my friends according to hierarchy. I know quite a few people will claim that they treat all their friends equally, etc, but that’s plain crap. Nobody can treat everyone similarly. There is bound to be bias. Hence, I clearly claim that I make a hierarchy of friendship. Unlike my previous posts, I shall not be taking any names in this one.

At the top layer, there is the Category 1. This is an exclusive category for my closest and true friends. Only 3 or 4 people fall in this category. These are the ones whom I can trust blindly, and have known since childhood.

The second layer, category 2 comprises of those friends whom I may not have known for very long, but nevertheless I do trust them to a large extent, and I also feel comfortable and happy in their presence. It brings about a positive aura, when I am surrounded by them. Nevertheless, I shall not be sharing everything with them.

The third layer, is category 3. These are those people with whom I have had multiple conversations, and I appreciate their work. However, I do not share any close bonds with them, and it wont make much of a difference to me if I am not in touch with someone for long. Sometimes I even have had fights, and arguments with these people(Of course, we can all generalize and say that friends keep having fights, but I meant differently).

The last layer is category 4. These people are not strictly friends, but more like acquaintances and present in my facebook friend list. I may have talked to them a few times, smiled to them out of courtesy, but beyond that, there is scarcely anything. They are just one degree above strangers, in my view. Highly likely to be forgotten as time goes by.

Yes, I know many of you will find this categorization strange or even bizarre. But that is exactly how it is. In fact, our minds are tuned to categorize people in different ways, based upon our perception of them. This is one reason why we can never totally avoid being judgmental.

So back to the original issue at hand. I admit, I have very few ‘true’ friends, ie those who belong to category one. And not many in category 2 either. What is the reason for that? Being an introvert? Being unsocial? Maybe, both of the reasons are true. I also usually do not initiate a conversation. I do not like talking about myself. In fact, I do not like talking without any purpose[ie random chit chat]. I prefer to listen. And I very rarely open up to anyone. I never share my feelings with others either. So I guess those are the logical reasons which my mind shares. But the truth may be different. Who knows.

Now, to come to a specific area: Female friends. Zero in Category 1. And just a couple or so in Category 2. That’s it. Surprised? Well that’s the truth. I have very few female friends. I could count them on the fingers of one hand. I guess the problem is that I rarely talk to females about matters besides education/work. And even that talk is limited. I studied in a all boys school, and had very limited interaction with girls, even in college. Of course, if you do Engineering and then MBA(from a premier institute) your interaction with the fairer sex is bound to be limited. Forget dating or asking a girl out, even talking to a girl was like a difficult chore for me. Though of course, I did talk to a few of them, and have chatted online with many, but could hardly make friends with anyone. I can even say that I did not have a single female friend before MBA. My closest friends are all male. And I do not see any change coming in the future.

Sometimes, I do feel sad about it of course. Most of my batchmates (both engg and MBA) have a healthy mix of friends from both genders. I would have desired the same. Maybe not many friends, but equal numbers of both genders. However, that was not to be. I guess it is because of my nature.

I do not believe that facebook chat and gtalk is an alternative for actual face to face interactions. In fact, virtual friendship has made life tougher for us. I resent the fact that I spend more time chatting and whatsapping than talking to people in real. This is something which I must seriously change in myself. I hate socializing, but I could try that too, in Mumbai. Maybe participate in some blogger discussions or debates, etc. But of course, I will avoid parties, as I consider them to be a simple waste of time. Travelling is something which I want to do as well.

You know that you will feel miserable when you badly want to go someplace (such as the movies) but don’t have even a single friend to accompany you[I watched both Iron Man 3, and Man of Steel alone]. But the fault is in me, attribution theory has taught me that.

See you around folks.

My Bschool Bestest

I bet the caption caught your attention, didn’t it? Anyways, this article is based on my personal experience, being a moderator at Pagalguy.com, and also active at several other MBA forums. Call it ego or whatever, but the truth is that most Bschoolers become incredibly defensive when it comes to talking about their alma mater.

After all, nobody wants their[or their bschool’s] skeletons to be out of the closet, do they? Naturally, everyone will only talk about the positive aspects of joining XYZ School of Management, and will conveniently leave out the cons. If at all they are included, they will be as good as being neglected. Most placement reports claim 100% placements, with the top brands on the front page. This gives a very wrong impression to aspirants. Say for example, a particular bschool had 400 students, and the top 100 got good offers, and the bottom 50 remained unplaced. Still the placement report will suggest that ALL the students were placed in decent companies with good profiles.

This is an era when even the top bschools are struggling to place all their students, not to mention the tier-2 or tier-3 ones. But this is not the focus of my article. I find it irritating when bschoolers try to hide details from the public, openly resort to lying, and get into heated arguments whenever there is a comparison between bschools. A common comparison is between an IIM and a Non-IIM, albeit top bschool. Just for an example, lets take comparing IIM Lucknow with XLRI, or a new IIM versus MDI/NITIE/IIFT. The IIM grads will swear that an IIM tag matters a lot, whereas a non-IIM grad will focus on other aspects[say location, alumni base, etc]. Some people will claim that an IIM is an IIM, hence it’s the sole reason for you to join. Others will remark that it’s better to take a bschool which is well established than to worry about an IIM tag. This is just one example out of many.

Unfortunately, this only adds to an aspirant’s confusion and doubt, since he will get biased reports from both sides. Recently, one guy called me up asking for my opinion on IIM L vs FMS. I tried to give him as objective a perspective as possible and even highlighted the points where L scored over FMS. However, I know from experience that most people will not do that. They will go at any length to defend their own bschool.

It saddens me to say this, but some of my batchmates have done the same too[repeatedly claiming FMS’s superiority over others]. There is a [albeit thin] difference between promoting one’s bschool and blindly boasting about its strengths.

Some of the common confusions [for aspirants having multiple converts are]:

i) IIM A vs IIM B vs IIM C
ii) IIM L vs FMS vs XLRI
iii) IIM I vs IIM K
iv) MDI vs NITIE vs IIFT
v) New IIMs
vi) SP Jain vs JBIMS vs newer IIM [including K]
vii) IMT vs NMIMS vs XIM-B vs SIBM

And others.

My advice to bschoolers: Guys, you people are talented and wise. Stop misguiding others, and try to lay out as objective a picture as possible. Trust me, it will increase the respect people will have for your bschool.

@Aspirants: Don’t get misguided by what an institute’s placement report claims. Talk to the students, alums, and third parties [neutral] to get an overall picture. Lot of bschools don’t even have proper campuses of their own[but advertise it]. And if you have multiple converts, don’t spend too much time over-thinking. Just set your priorities and chose one and stick to it. Remember, if you have it in you, you will be successful no matter where you end up.

Adios for now. It’s time to play Call of Duty: MW 3.

Updates, Blah Blah!

Okay, some updates about me this time. For the past one month, I have been sitting at home, and doing nothing. Yes, idling my time, before I start my first official job, at BASF India. Will probably be shifting to Mumbai now. I liked the place during my 2 month stay during the internship, and hopefully the experience will be good again.

I was about to write a lengthy ‘All I wanted to say about MBA’ sort of post, but then decided against it. Dunno why exactly, but just didn’t feel like writing about my MBA experiences. After all, it’s the most hyped degree in India. Maybe I will write about it someday in the future. Then again, maybe not.

So what have I been doing the past month? Mostly, reading and watching stuff. Some books which I am spending time with include: Midnight’s Children by Rushdie, Devotion of Suspect X by Keigo Higashino, Beyond Good and Evil by Nietzsche, Gardens of the Moon by Steven Erikson, amongst others. Apart from this, I have been reading several blogs and other stuff online. And I admit I have wasted time going through several confessions page as well[mostly TCS, Infosys, Delhi Metro ones].

I only tried one new game in the vacation, and that was Dishonored. I wasn’t pleased with it. The game has got very good reviews, but I somehow felt it was too repetitive, and left playing after completing 3 missions. Am really looking forward to 2 games: Batman Arkham Origin, and GTA V. Other than that, my passion for gaming has taken an all time dip. My father is doing some research on the partition of Punjab [he even purchased a fat book on the same, I may read it too later].

I saw some good movies too. Identity, Dead Man Walking, Oldboy [Korean], Mulholland Drive, Kai Po Che [hated the ending though], to mention a few. Cant get enough of the suspense/thriller category. Identity in particular was a brilliant watch. I was kinda disappointed with Iron Man 3, mostly for the way they portrayed Mandarin. Really looking forward to Man of Steel now. Oh and I just read that Bryan Singer is making a new Xman movie[kinda a reboot],and surprise surprise- Cyclops is not included YET AGAIN. This seriously PISSED ME OFF. I mean come on now, give the man some credit. He is the leader of the Xmen after all, not some guest character with an occasional appearance. They way he was shown in the earlier movies was seriously very disappointing to say the least. And he has been ignored once more. I so wish some sensible director made a Cyclops:Origin movie for a change [We are getting tired of the repeated Wolverine crap].

As for tv shows, am just sticking to Game of Thrones. Though I must admit, I didn’t find Season 3 as good as the earlier 2. Still debating on whether or not to get the books.

Rest, I admit I am getting frustrated/depressed periodically. Maybe because I don’t have proper work to do. To add to this, my planned trip to the North East got cancelled too. I so need a vacation. But unfortunately I never get any company [blame my introvert nature and lack of friends for that]. And yeah, no friend here either.

Oh and yeah, am learning to cook as well. Just basic stuff, but an essential survival skill.

P.S.- I think its high time I shifted to Wordpress now.

P.P.S.- Its been raining here continuously for over a day now. Weather is super awesome.

Taboo Inc.

Lot of people seem to have this doubt in mind- Why on earth Indians don’t talk about sex? Why are discussions on masturbation, condoms, homosexuality considered taboo in India? Why does a country with a billion plus population shies away from mainstream nudity in cinema[its all right to rape and kill, but nude scene- Strict No], or from educating children on how the reproductive system works? I think its high time people stopped pretending that children just drop down from the sky.

Sure, with the technology boom and net savvy generation coming in, some progress has been made in this regard. Especially amongst the upper class, and the growing middle class segment. Nevertheless, if you consider the country as a whole, a vast majority of people are ignorant about basic sex education, and this actually results in harmful consequences, from teenage pregnancies, to sexually transmitted diseases, and even crimes such as sexual assaults.

A common joke goes that in our country, its okay to piss in public but you cannot kiss in public. According to a lot of moral guardians, kissing or any form of pda [including holding of hands], is a heinous crime, and its actually an offense in India under the IPC. Apparently the reason for the same is that some people feel disgusted if they see a couple kiss or hold hands. Arguably, the ‘some’ part is subjective, and it’s very difficult to categorize or classify people according to their acceptance of PDA. Hence the ban[Am personally against the ban, I know its debatable but I personally don’t see how a couple kissing in public view can harm anyone in any way, and those who say it’s a distraction can just choose to look away].

India is a repressed society. We try to pretend in our every day existence that sex does not exist, hence its naturally evil or morally corrupt to talk about it. If someone tries to impart sex education, he or she is a perverted individual who is trying to corrupt the younger generation. Some states have even banned sex education in schools. And then of course there are millions of illiterates having no access to any form of formal education.

So we come to a situation where both parents and teachers hesitate to talk about sex, when it comes to educating children [Of course, that has been changing in recent times, nevertheless that has largely been the trend]. To give my own example, our biology teacher didn’t even utter the words ‘penis’ and ‘vagina’ aloud even once, not even while teaching the reproductive system. As if just reading or hearing those words will make you a bad person.

So what happens as a consequence? People start getting half correct or incorrect information from other sources. Most guys learn about sex through pornography. Which is an extreme case of adult entertainment, and definitely not a tool on sex education. It brings about wrong ideas in the mind of youngsters. So instead of having healthy discussions on sex, it becomes a taboo topic. Sex is considered as the forbidden fruit, and not just as another human activity like eating, drinking or sleeping.

That is the first step towards depravity. Guys start making all sort of perverted jokes related to sex, and its usually at this time [onset of puberty], that slang usage becomes common. Most of these slangs are directed at insulting women. Something which makes them lose their ‘purity’. For many guys, losing their virginity becomes some sort of an achievement, something to be proud of. Staring at whichever girl passes by becomes common[No matter how hard they deny, most heterosexual guys do stare at women and at their body parts]. Passing of lewd comments begins from that point. And its almost always directed at a girl’s body parts. Girls are also compared, according to the sizes of their bust, etc. Yes, all this may sound disgusting, but it is the truth. And mind you, am not talking about those illiterate punks or rogues out on the streets, but educated folk, even sons of rich people. I have met very few people in my life[am not generalizing, but giving a personal view] who have actually respected women, even when no girl is around. It’s very clear by the way they talk and their reaction whenever they see or meet a female. Ironically if you directly ask a guy if he or she respects women, the answer will be almost always a resounding yes. And the next moment they will say-‘Wow man, just look at that Maal on the street.’

Of course we live in a patriarchal and male chauvinist society. So its pointless to repeat such points. But the bottomline is that we need to change. If you take the Delhi metro, many guys even argue that girls should not enter a general compartment, because a separate one is reserved for them. They fail to understand the need for reservation in the first place. It’s because the plight of a girl in a crowded general compartment is miserable to say the least. Moreover, a lot of guys even claim that it’s the girls fault for actually ‘brushing’ or falling on a guy and then complaining that the guy was trying to molest her. To such people I would say-‘Get a life. Just try to imagine yourself in a girls shoes trying to hold her bag and protecting her modesty at the same time, amidst a pack of hungry wolves and its only then you will understand what it feels like.’

Its because these guys have never had an healthy discussions on sex and reproductive life, that they feel so repressed. Actions such as groping, molesting, staring, eve-teasing, commenting and even serious sexual assaults arise as a consequence. It may build up slowly and gradually, but not talking and not knowing about sex is one of the reasons for the same. Its also due to our social upbringing, that even today many people believe that boys and girls should not mix up or play together. Especially for girls, who should limit interactions with guys, and curb her sexuality. So naturally, its again the forbidden fruit thing coming out to play.

Many people will also be disgusted if they hear a guy and a girl, who are not a couple discuss things related to sex, or precautions, etc. They will label them as people with loose morals, and the girl will almost definitely be called a whore or a slut. In an ideal society, even if a girl chooses to have a partner before marriage, it does not mean she has no morals. Every individual should be ready to bear the consequence of his or her action.

Rather, once we start opening up more, once we start educating our children, I believe objectifying of women will reduce, and that in turn will also lead to a reduction of crimes. But whether that will actually happen will remain to be seen. However, stop feeling ashamed of speaking about sex in public. Deal with it positively and not negatively. Sex is definitely not a sin, and nothing to be pushed under the carpet. Also try being less judgmental if you can[For eg- A girl who is not a virgin is not a whore, and a virgin guy is not a loser]. Its something am trying to follow myself.
But I will try to be an optimist. More on this later.

The Art of Failing

Recently, I was reading an article in the Economic Times, which mentioned about Failure, and start-ups/entrepreneurship. About the Indian society which traditionally tried to avoid risk taking in any field, especially when it comes to starting your own business. It also mentioned that failure is considered a taboo and looked down upon in our society. People who fail are stigmatized and sometimes even ostracized. They are even treated at par with criminals.

That article set me thinking. I could relate it to my own life. And I am pretty sure many of you reading this could relate it with your own as well. We Indians just don’t appreciate the value of failure. Most of us will be shocked to hear that Failure is something which is important to experience in life. Of course there will be many who will say- I have never failed once in my life. Or that, I always aim to succeed, etc. Don’t get me wrong. Am not saying that Failure should be your goal. But rather, we should accept the fact that failure is a part of life, and welcome it, rather than treating it as doomsday.

Lets start from a child. Ever since he joins school, he is constantly pressurized to perform well, in his studies, sports, extra-curriculars, and so on. Such high expectations can prove to be disastrous for the child’s personality. Often, he has to undergo humiliation and witness immense scolding or criticism by his/her parents, teachers and others. I have seen very few cases in which the child is actually encouraged to experiment, fail,learn and grow. No wonder the classical mindset of opting for a safe corporate/government job sets in from the very beginning, hence the establishment of rat races, and coaching institutes for IITJEE, CAT and the like.

I have seen cases in which the whole locality starts talking about that child, in case the poor soul actually fails in a subject, or God forbid, has to drop an year. Its seriously as if he has committed a crime which is unforgivable. I feel sad for this mentality which treats young children at par with criminals.
Competition in the Indian education sector is immense. Especially to get seats into the coveted institutions such as IITs, IIMs, NITs, etc. Thus from a very young age onwards, children are forced and pushed to enter such rat races. At an age when a child should be encouraged to pursue his/her own hobby or passion, to experiment and learn freely, he is forced to attend FIITJEE classes or mug up JEE study material.

But the worst part comes if the child actually fails to get a seat in any of the good colleges. He is labeled a failure, a loser, a good-for-nothing who is doomed in his life. Even his friends will start making fun of him. And all because he failed to crack IITJEE? I consider this the height of ridiculousness. But unfortunately, that’s how Indian society is. We tend to judge people more from their background, than from their real talents or work. Thus its the IIT rank that counts more than the sketches or stories which that child may be good at. And unfortunately, this rat race never stops. Even during placements, we compare the job profile, the package offered, and the benefits to decide who is the ‘best’, ‘second best’ and so on. For every single thing, we make needless comparisons which tend to destroy the inner self of the child.

Its high time that parents and teachers start educating their children with the fact that its perfectly okay to fail. Its totally fine to follow your own interests in life. As long as you are doing good and happy with your work, it doesn’t matter if you are earning more than your neighbor or not. Failure can teach a person many things which a normal, average situation may not. Fear of failure should not be a hindrance for a person to experiment, or try up something new. This enhances creativity and ultimately, performance.

The Final Tribute, Part 2 (FMS Batch of 2014)

*Continued from previous post

Of course, the batch of 2014 cannot be left behind either. The legacy of FMS has to be borne by them.

Though its true that I may not have interacted with my juniors much(thanks to my introverted nature), I shall still be glad for their support and best wishes. Thank you all, and hope you do well in your internships and remaining year ahead.

To Aarti Gupta, for being one of the first persons in 2014 I actually interacted with. Thank you for your incessant chatter and also for those few competitions(giving me some CV points). You have lot of potential. I do hope you do well ahead.

To Aparajita Puri, for winning the HR Leadership Award(for which you patiently waited for your check) and for giving me the Fountainhead(the best book I read in 2012). That helped me realize more about individualism. Also for motivating me to do well later on as well. Everyone knows you will probably be at the top of the Corporate ladder soon. Good luck.

To Inderpreet Singh Narang, not just for taking over the post of HR Soc President, but also for being a nice and humble human being. Competitive, knowledgeable and helpful, I am very sure you will do a great job at handling HR Soc and in your life ahead.

To Mayank Popli, for being a great JFS, as well as an active and smart personality. To Tapan Waval, for being a talented individual and gifted in the art of speech, and staying excited/enthusiastic every single time. To Vineet Jain and Sudeep Bansi, not just for being great JCSes, but also for fun people to talk to. To Mahesh Shetye and Yuvaraj, for some meaningful conversations we had.

To Parul Rai, for being a good friend and supporter throughout. Even when I was depressed or frustrated, I knew I could count on her to bear my nonsense. Always smiling, hard-working and talented, I am pretty sure she will do well in Mark Soc and otherwise. Thank you for all your encouraging words.

To all the associate members of HR Soc: Inderpreet(mentioned earlier), Parampreet, Abhrajit, Pritha and Aishwarya. I seriously had lot of fun working with you guys, whether it be in Fiesta or outside. Will definitely miss the time spent in HR Soc. Best of luck to all of you.

To my mentee Dhruv Jayant: Dude, you are talented. Don’t worry so much about MBA. To my buddy, Bijayini Samal: I hope you rock and have a gala time at HCCB, living the life of a princess. Sports soc will definitely do well with your presence. Plus bring out whatever potential you have in you. Keep in touch.

To Neha Joshi: you are sweet and talented. I hope you do an excellent job as the next Cultural Secy.

To Divyam Singh: Fellow Manga/anime fan. Awesome mimcry buddy. Wish I could have spend some more time on masti along with you. But anyways, I know you will do a good job as Media Secy. Stay in touch.

To Mayur Dhingra, Shaunak Acharya, Prajata, Swati Saini, Vinay Prithiani, Yagya, Pragnya, Rounak, Anish, Manu Oberoi, Manu Gupta, Pratinav, Harshal, Bhaskar, Manish, Deepak D, Apurv Narang, Eshan Sett, Sindhu, Asif, Nikhil Goud, Preeti Topno, Rohit Mishra, Adinarayana, Amrit, Arpit, Abhishek Bansal, Vivek, Dhruv Raghuvanshi, Gayathri, Shalinee, Prateek, Aditi, Sneha, Vinita, Vipul, Rishabh Kalia, Darryl, Shashank, Divya, Pratham, Srinath, Khushal: We may not have interacted much, but it was great knowing and speaking to all of you. I wish you all the very best ahead. Keep the legacy of FMS intact.

And finally, to Mehak Dhir:

It may have been a co-incidence due to which we became friends, but that was one lucky co-incidence I guess. I have learnt a lot from you: being a task-oriented manager, giving your 100% in anything, focusing on important issues, appreciating the value of others, opening up to others, experimenting with different type of coffee, amongst rest. Thank you for your motivation and inspiration throughout. Thank you for helping me fight the negativity inside of me. Though you should really try listening more, and learn to control your temper better. I still wonder why you don’t like calling yourself ambitious. You are naturally talented and intelligent to reach the top (whether it be corporate life or Mt. Everest). But I really appreciate the fact that you are a humble and really helpful/understanding person at heart. Finally, thank you for your patience too (tolerating my negative side can indeed be frustrating, I know). May God always support you in your endeavors. But you didn’t gift me a Hattori Hanzo blade. :( Nevertheless, you shall always be awesome.. \m/


Next Post: All I wanted to say about MBA

The Final Tribute, Part 1 (FMS- Batch of 2012 and 2013)

All right, so am finally done with MBA. And it is really a sad fact, that this is just my third post of the year. Of course, I can take the help of various excuses- Placements, Exams, Work, etc, but I guess I just somehow lost the inspiration to write. But a proper ‘All I wanted to say about MBA’ type post is pending. In this post however, I shall be expressing my gratitude to all those people who made a positive contribution during my life and stay at FMS. It is said that in business, MBA and corporate, you don’t make friends, but only acquaintances, competitors and colleagues. How much of it was true for me?

Statutory Note: Though am mentioning the names of mostly a few people, but am indeed thankful to all FMSites and professors who I have met and known.
Lets start with the senior batch:

Batch of 2012:

I would like to thank Arpan Srivastava, for being an ideal Gsec, and helping us throughout the journey. Thankfully, we are still in touch. The entire placement team, all the society members, thank you for helping us in our ‘Summers’ prep. I would like to thank my mentor Rima for all her support she lent me, without which I am pretty sure I would have done a miserable job. Manmeet Singh Hora, for being a great support, especially with tying of turbans, spirituality, guidance and being a great person overall. Satyajit Bagchi and all the executive members of HR Society, for being supportive throughout.

Apart from the above a few more names to take: Saurabh Jyot Singh, who grows younger with each passing day, Chitrang, for being an excellent Mark Soc President, Ranjeet Pratap Singh, for his famous anecdotes. I admit that I did not make much of an effort to interact with the senior batch, on my side, which on hindsight was probably a mistake. Nevertheless, it was a good experience knowing a few talented people.

Now let us come to the batch, with whom I spent the maximum amount of time.

Batch of 2013:

Undoubtedly the first name which will come here is that of Abhirup Debray, the guy who stood behind me at all times, through good times and bad. Although we are polar opposites( he loves drinking and cursing), am still proud to have him as a friend. He has made it a long way, coming from a small town, and has always inspired me to go ahead and do well. Having known him even before joining FMS, it was a pleasure spending time with him. He is one person who will never bore or disappoint you. I hope you make it even bigger, buddy.

Next(do not take it in any hierarchical order, the names are just on random basis) to come is Mayank Rajput, another guy(from Gwalior) who I knew before joining FMS. He is a dreamer with a good sense of imagination. Creative, writes well, reads a lot, and a manga/anime fan(lot of traits similar to mine). Wants to be a big writer. I know he will succeed. A bit lazy yes, and it takes lot of effort to push him to work, but once he is committed to something, he will make sure that he does it. Nevertheless, sleeping is his biggest weakness. Stay in touch, dude.

Now we come to one of the biggest ghissus in our batch. Divya G, as we know her. A telugu by birth, but a proper Indian by choice(having travelled and stayed at multiple locations). Yet another person I knew before coming to FMS. She is very dedicated, hard working, focused and intelligent too. Once she sets her target on something, she will achieve it. She was always a big inspiration for me, and was always there when I needed her for emotional support, academic help, or for anything. And like me, a very strict follower of her principles. I only wish she wasn’t so short tempered, and so fudgy about marks. Nevertheless, a close friend for life, I wish you all the very best for the future in Cadbury and otherwise, Divya.

Lets head a bit west now, shall we. The city of Mumbai. Famous for Vada Pao. And Sheetal Kasbekar. She is one person I consider as close as a real sister can be. Never let me feel alone whenever I was depressed or frustrated. Very caring, very kind and passionate. Has that bubbly charm in her, like that of a school girl. Loves to eat a lot. And has a golden smile. But takes lot of tension at every small thing. Panics more than I do. But nevertheless, a very smart professional and marketing expert who will surely rock at Nestle. And help me in getting directions when I roam around in Mumbai.

Lets go back to the south(don’t worry, am not doing any regional discrimination here). Or we can even go to the north east, in Guwahati. This IITian from the south is an introvert, but still a brilliant guy. Karthik Junnuri or junnu as his friends call him, has a mixture of talents. But his best trait is that he will always be ready to help you, even if he has his own problems or tasks to perform. He is one guy I have hanged around with a lot. He makes you feel comfortable, and he really knows lot of stuff, even though he does not talk much, and has a soft voice. Miles to go, buddy.

Next comes another traveler, who has been at multiple places. Preethi Puram, the Media Secretary. Its actually hard trying to describe her in words. But she has been a great friend, an amazing person to chill and hang out with. She loves taking initiatives and doing fun stuff. Has supported me a lot, and is extremely trustworthy. You know you can share lot of stuff with her, in spite of her being in Media. I hope you keep rocking in ITC.


For some other quick names, I would like to thank Raveesh Mayya(most versatile and altruistic person in batch of 2013 without a doubt), Shashank Prabhu(very mature, calm and skillful), Tasneem Ahmad(for being a great support in HR Soc and otherwise), Vikram Kapany(Awesome Inspirational Figure), Akhil Kumar Som(Fearless and determined) Sunny Gajjar,Neha Kapoor, Snata Borah, Tapish Panwar, Vishal Sharma, Amandeep, Chandan Mandal, Priti Kumari, Tina Singh, Suhail Pawaskar, Ankit Kumar, Shashank Arya, Ashraf, Ankush Bhadrish, Nikhil Nathani, Richie Pandey, Ajay V, Aditya James, and a lot more. I am sorry if I missed out on anybody.

*To be Continued

A Broken Dream, a Random Soul

Dear Diary,

I am writing this to you, cause honestly, I don’t know who else to say this to. Don’t get me wrong, it isn’t that I do not have any friend or someone I can speak to. Its just that I don’t feel like sharing this with anyone. I am not sure anyone will understand either. Maybe they will think that I am just a weak person who cant deal with his own problems. Who knows, they may be right.

Sometimes, I cry to myself. May not shed tears all the time, but it is still equivalent to crying. Why do I do so, you ask? I don’t know. Or rather, I don’t know from where to begin. Maybe it has all to do with running rat races, trying to do what the society expects out of you, what your parents, friends and peers expect you to do.

I feel I am at the wrong place. With the wrong crowd. Amidst a wrong setting, and about to depart into a wrong environment. This is NOT what I wanted to do. Hence, I could never really like this place. Oh, yes, made a few friends here and there. Some of them are probably genuinely concerned about me too. But I guess I have not been a good friend to anyone. I have tons of work to do, but somehow I feel just too sad to do anything at all.

In fact, I do not belong to any group out here. I am always alone, lonely, and mostly in despair or frustration. There is no single reason for this. I know that I am an introvert. It takes me time to open up to people, and I rarely talk about myself or my feelings to anyone. Its all business and other urgent matters that people want to discuss. Somehow, I never felt like doing so. Was I wrong? Maybe. Maybe I should have been more active, more social. But I guess facebook and whatsapp took over my social life. I became a virtual identity that’s all. Maybe my true self has been lost over time.

Some people have a very high opinion of me. That I am some superb individual, a fantastic writer, and an honest, passionate, helpful person. Then there are others who consider me to be a quiet, unsocial and selfish guy. Everyone is judgmental, and everyone forms his or her opinions about everything. In spite of having so many benefits, I am still not happy. Far from it. Worse, I have no clue what to do in the future.

I have got lot of advice too, mostly from well wishers. Watch movies, listen to calm music, exercise, meditate, go for walks, read books, play games, etc. I have tried them all. And yet, this deep, never ending, storm of negative emotions simply refuses to die down.

I feel that negative emotions have overwhelmed me, to the extent that I stay insanely depressed most of the time. I feel neglected, deprived, ignored, forgotten. I feel like escapist, wanting to run away desperately, but without a clue of my destination. I have started complaining about anything and everything. I feel that nobody understands me. However, the logical part of my mind says its just the reverse. There is no point blaming others. The problem is in me, and ONLY I can solve it. God helps those who help themselves right? But how do I help myself? Nevertheless, I am still an emotional wreck. And this is also not all.

I really like her a lot, Diary. In fact, I love her. Every single second spend with her is like a magical fantasy, like a fairy tale come true. Every single ping or message of hers lits my face with joy. But I do not have the guts to tell it to her. What if she likes someone else? What if she stops talking to me? Will I be able to bear that? Why am I so afraid? And why do I feel so jealous whenever I see her talking and spending time with other guys? I keep feeling miserable every day for no reason. With this pain and gash in my heart. What do I do? I am confused. I have started finding faults in every single little thing. I have almost broken up with my first love- reading. I think I am going mad, and if I don’t do something soon, I will completely break down.

Thank you for being patient and hearing me out, diary. Alas, I have to stop for now. Cause this rat race will never end. And I do not want to inflict any pain on others. But more often than not, I end up hurting or disappointing those I love. Then, at the end of it all, I ask the same question which has been asked for centuries- ‘What is the purpose of my existence? And do I actually deserve to exist at all?’

Yours faithfully,
A broken soul

What If....

'I think I love her,' I told PP.

'You think or you actually do?' she asked.

'I do. Am sure of it. I have thought about it a lot for the past two months. In fact, this is the only thing I have ever given so much thought to. '

'Hmmmm,' came the reply. 'Tab kis baat ka wait kar raha hai. Jaake bata de usko.'

'I..cant.'

'Huh. Why?'

'Cause...she may not understand. I mean we are very good friends, and she may not like it.'

'What are you saying man, cant get you.'

'We have been friends for a while, and I am scared that if I propose to her, she might get pissed off at me, and then start ignoring me or something. In worst case she might break all contacts with me.'

'If she is really your friend, why would she do something like that? '

'Cause girls are like that na. They prefer to ignore, as they know it causes the guy lot of pain.'

'Rubbish, dont make sexist comments like that. All girls are not like that. '

'I dunno yaar. I do like her a lot, but i guess I do not have the guts to tell her that I actually love her. I dont want to risk it at the cost of this friendship.'

'You have to decide man. Whether to take a risk or not. But if you keep waiting and hesitating, she will surely find someone else. '

'Noo, I cant let that happen. I cant even tolerate the thought of her being with another guy. Its just preposterous.'

'Then go ahead and say it. You must not repent later that you lost the chance. Besides she might like you as well. You never know'

' I dunno, man I really dunno. Am like totally confused. And the worst part is that I cannot really concentrate on anything else. Studies, work, nothing. '

'Whats so hard in expressing your feelings anyways?'

'I dunno. I normally never talk about any of this stuff. Love, romance, it never made sense to me. But i know that I like her because she is a genuine person. Honest and righteous. Someone who sticks to her principles and morals, and someone who can stand for whats right.'

'Then what are you waiting for. She is the perfect girl for you. Go ahead and confess your feelings for her.'

'But, but..what if she likes someone else?'

'Listen, in that case there is nothing you can do about it. Remember that her decision will be hers. You cant change it or influence it in any way. She will do whats right for her, and you must accept it. But in any case, she will at least know the truth. Dont hide it from her. She deserves to know.'

'I guess you are right, PP. Thanks a lot, as usual. I know I can always depend on you for anything.'

'Stop acting like a loser and go for it. And stop pestering me all the while too. Learn to believe in yourself. Bye and best of luck.'